As I write this blog, the United States is in the throes of a massive nervous breakdown over the murder of a young right-wing commentator/influencer who built a mini-empire spreading the gospel of his own version of Christianity and nationalism. I won’t mention his name or any other names. I won’t even focus too much on the event, or the aftermath, or the all-too-predictable reactions on social media coming from all corners of the webosphere
From where I sit, people have drawn a line in the sand over what happened, and ratcheted up the hate (me included). I don’t think it will lead any place good. This moment has been building for a long, long time, and this event might have given the USA the excuse it needed to start carving itself up into little pieces. It’s sad and tragic, and I hope we’ll do better. We’ll see.
But I won’t focus on all that, not right now.
Instead, I’ll just focus on who I am. Because at the end of the day, amid all the sound and fury, the only thing you can control is who you are.
I’m somebody who likes to watch tennis and college football, listen to jazz, read books, cook food, travel, walk around cities, ride a bike, hit tennis balls, earn money, grow vegetables, and share happy moments with my friends and family. I come from a middle class American background, a child of the suburbs, with their green lawns and swim clubs and Little League sports.
I was an average kid who turned into an average college student and average adult for much of my life, until I finally veered off in a different direction at around the age of 40 and took on certain adventures and experiences that probably separated me from the pack. You can read all about them in other blogs.
I am also an extraordinarily imperfect being. You could fill a galaxy with my imperfections.
I allow myself to get hyped up and angered over the most inane shit, whether it’s waiting in line or scanning the news. I spend too much time thinking (and writing) about forces (mostly political) I have no control over. I did it just the other day. I’ll probably do it again. I get angry and obsessed and have to get it out of my system.
That’s a stupid way to live. Even I know it’s a stupid way to live – even as I’m living it. I’m not sure what I hope to accomplish by thinking certain thoughts and sharing them with others. I’m not sure who I believe I’m influencing. I have no idea why on earth I go diving into this murky, depressing abyss, over and over and over again. What it mainly does is boil up the hate inside of me and prevent me from focusing on what’s really important.
And for me, what’s really important is my family – my role as a father, a parent, a husband. You could add up everything else I am right now, and combined they would not be more important than my role as a family man. I love our family in ways no human could describe but many experience. I want nothing more in this world than for them to be safe, healthy, happy, prosperous and free.
I would gladly give up my life and my next thousand lives if I could guarantee their health and happiness for many decades to come.
I can’t say that about anything else – even my country, even the world. If I wasn’t convinced of that before, I think the last 24 hours have finally pushed me over the line. I am just so, so sick of my country and the world right now, with its endless drama and hate and anger and paranoia and violence.
As I sit here at my laptop writing this, in front of a window, the sun is beaming down from a clear blue sky, and the air is fresh and clean and in perfect late summer form.
I am surrounded by comfort. We live in a fairly spacious home. There’s plenty of food to eat. We’re financially secure. We’re healthy, and living productive lives. We reside in a town that values family, education, community, fairness – and hope. We’re reasonably safe and insulated here.
A few of the tomatoes I planted months ago are finally ripening on the vine. Life is good.
Life is good.
Life is good.
And you know what? To hell with the rest of it. To hell with the world outside of this world. I need to turn that other world off – at least for a while. That world will either fix itself or it won’t. I wish it luck.
But for now, I have better things to think about….
Vance Cariaga 