Lucky Thirteen: The Greatest Holiday Gift Guide…EVER (Tip: Buy the Book)

The holidays are upon us, and you don’t know what to buy your loved ones. We are here to help.

Following are a baker’s dozen of suggestions, but only one makes the perfect gift. Can you guess which one?

  1. A black turtleneck sweater, the type that says you are stylish yet mysterious, rebellious yet prepared for cold weather.
  2. A subscription to Accounting Today magazine, the leading resource for accounting professionals. This gift will ensure that the CPAs on your shopping list stay current on trends regarding tax preparation, bookkeeping, auditing, financial planning, and business advisory and consulting services.
  3. A 12-ounce bag of Bob’s Red Mill Natural Raw Wheat Germ, which has a bold nutty flavor and is packed with nutrients like dietary fiber, folic acid, phosphorus, magnesium, zinc, vitamin E, and thiamin.
  4. Socks.
  5. An original copy of Marvel’s Amazing Fantasy comic #15, dated Aug. 1, 1962. This issue features the first appearance of Spider-Man. Priced to sell on eBay for only $224,500 (down from $249,500!).
  6. Mr. Coffee 12 Cup Reusable Gold Tone Coffee Filter. Here we have a permanent coffee filter that saves you money on those eco-unfriendly paper filters. This handsome filter features a folding handle and is top-rack dishwasher safe.
  7. A first-run copy of Voodoo Hideaway, the sublime debut novel by Vance Cariaga that has set the literary world on fire. It’s a noirish crime thriller filled with double-crosses, shocking twists, memorable characters, crackling dialogue, jazz, beer, baseball, dark alleys, blind alleys, seedy bars, and Halal food. Buy it wherever fine books are sold.
  8. Cryptocurrency – and plenty of it. Don’t skimp, either. Go for one of the biggies: Bitcoin, Ethereum, BinanceCoin. Let it ride, hotshot. It’s the damn holidays.
  9. A download of “Supalonely” by BENEE ft. Gus Dappergon, one of the top TikTok songs of 2021. No cap, your loved ones gonna feel this song and kiki all night long – unless they all cheugy. In that case: Bye, Felicia.
  10. A Stan Smith Autograph tennis racquet. Made of durable tree wood.
  11. Spearmint Certs
  12. L’oreal Paris eyeliners et crayons. Trouvez votre teinte idéale en l’essayant immédiatement sur vous !
  13. An Ikea Assemble-it-Yourself Chest of Drawers, any type or model. The perfect gift for those special someones who have too much time on their hands, and need to stay busy to ward off periods of darkness and self-doubt. With this IKEA selection, they will now spend the rest of their days merrily assembling it, calling customer service to order missing parts, calling customer service again because they received the wrong replacement parts, fiddling with that one screw that simply won’t go in all the way, tinkering with that one drawer that always gets stuck, watching the item fall apart the second you actually put something in one of the drawers because the bottom piece sags and dislodges from the grooves, and repairing it when something else goes wrong, because something else always goes wrong, always always always. All for less than 100 dollars!

So, which suggestion did you decide would make the perfect gift? Oh, you chose Voodoo Hideaway, the crackling fab debut novel by Vance Cariaga? Excellent choice! You are a person of exquisite taste and keen intellect, and deserve only the best of holidays.

So, Happy Holidays!

And here’s where to buy the book:

Atmosphere Press

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

Indiebound

Waterstones

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