A Stay-At-Home Dad Reveals the Secrets to His Amazing Fantasticness

Let us begin with the magnificence of me.

Yesterday morning I woke up – early – and drove my wife to the train station for her commute into New York City. I made coffee (all by myself) and poured it into a coffee mug (again: by myself). I made breakfast for our youngest daughter – an Eggo waffle with maple syrup, a freshly peeled orange, and orange juice.

I drove our two daughters to their respective schools – two different schools, two different trips, both flawlessly. I turned on my computer and took care of some personal finances, then wrote and filed a couple of articles for a website I write for. I finished a Wordle — successfully. I took a bike ride and hit a couple stores whilst doing so to pick up groceries, which I put into my backpack (successfully!).

I hit tennis balls against our backyard tennis net.

I emptied the dishwasher.

I prepped dinner for later.

I showered.

I prepared a lunch of a chickpea salad over lettuce – by myself! – and ate it.

I did more work on the computer. I blogged a little. I rinsed out my salad bowl and placed it in the dishwasher with God-like precision.

All before 2 p.m.

How, you ask, am I able to pull this off – to balance these superhuman and disparate feats all by my lonesome, in mere hours, expertly, sublimely, without complaint?

I’ll tell you how:

Because I am a Stay-At-Home Dad – that’s why.

Now, you are probably thinking to yourself: Gee whiz, I didn’t know that Vance Cariaga, noted writer and blogger, is also a Stay-At-Home Dad. Is there no limit to his many and myriad talents? How is it possible that one human being can be so adept at so many things, all while remaining as humble as the faceless masses who cower in the long shadow of his very presence?

Shucks, folks – thanks for the high praise. But really, there’s no secret formula. I’m just a miracle. Simple as that.

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For the longest time, we Stay-At-Home Dads were a secret society, a breed apart, the Chosen Few. I’m an OG at this kind of thing. I’ve been a Stay-At-Home Dad for as long as I’ve been a Dad – 15 years this month. I stay at home while Mom goes to the office. I cook. I shop for groceries. I handle the yardwork (when necessary). I do laundry. I write – for money. I run errands – for free.

Juggling all these tasks requires both genius and single-minded determination, my friends, don’t kid yourselves. Not every dude can do it.

Except…..

Except that now, Now, NOW – it seems lots of dudes are doing it. It seems lots of dudes are elbowing in on the action, calling themselves “Stay-At-Home-Dads.” Our secret society is being invaded by thousands of newbies, tinhorns, pretenders and half-ass wannabes fresh off the boat.

I know this because I read about it in a New York Times article with the headline, “Leaving ‘Mr. Mom’ Behind.” It’s about the rise in the number of Stay-At-Home Dads who have taken over traditional Mom roles while Mom heads out to earn a living. You can read it here.

The gist of the article is that there is less of a “stigma” attached to being a Stay-At-Home Dad than in the past.

As one of the men interviewed in the article said: “I felt very much like a misfit” as a Stay-At-Home Dad in the early days.

The reason he felt that way, of course, is that he’s an insecure, self-conscious little wanker. Juuuuuust kidding!

The real reason (of course) is that men have defined roles – and those roles don’t include staying home and doing chores. That has always been someone else’s job. Whose job? That will be revealed two paragraphs down.

For the Dads who found themselves suddenly staying at home, doing chores….well, life could be cruel. They got funny looks from the neighbors. Their good ol’ boy drinking buddies probably gave ‘em some good ol’ boy hell. But no more. These Stay-At-Home Dads are accepted! They have overcome! Against all odds, they have overcome!

Their eyes hath seen the glory…..

Well, good for them, I say. They should be celebrated…..for doing the same things women have been doing for thousands of years, without much fanfare. Women have a great deal of experience at this kind of thing – cooking the meals and folding the laundry and cleaning the oven and picking the clothes up off the floor that their kids can’t seem to muster the energy for. For women, this is not so much a trend as an expectation.

It was often a thankless job that also happened to be a massively important one.

I can identify with these Moms. We’re practically sistas!  They’ve been at it since before modern civilization began. I’ve been at it since before TikTok began. But was I feted in The New York Times? Noooooooo, I was not.

Well, my female friends. I know you’ve never gotten much public adoration for doing the things you’ve been doing since we first walked this earth. If it’s any consolation, I can relate, in a very I-can’t-really-relate-even-though-I-pretend-I-can-way.

I am Stay-At-Home-Dad. Hear me roar.

Note: The photo was taken by our oldest daughter, who wondered why on earth I wanted to have this photo taken.