USA! USA! US….Oh, F**k It…

For the third time this year, I found myself pulling against my home country, the US of A, in a major international sports competition.

The first time involved the U.S. men’s ice hockey team during the Winter Olympics, back in February. The second happened a month later, when the U.S. baseball team played a championship game in the World Baseball Classic. The third happened this week, in the World Cup.

I don’t think I’ve ever pulled against the USA in so many international competitions in such a short period of time. Normally I’ll pull for the home squad, like most everyone else on the planet. But these aren’t normal times. The USA has a corrupt asshole for a president. Everything he touches turns to poison – including the teams that represent the United States, or at least the teams he bothers to support, which pretty much excludes teams that involve women, or that don’t kiss his fat, rich-boy behind.

The hockey game, played in February, pitted the USA against Canada in the gold medal match. The USA won that one in a 2-1 overtime thriller. It was their first ice hockey gold medal since the Miracle on Ice in 1980 – a moment I remember well, and will always treasure – and it came against our hockey-obsessed rivals to the north, who might never get over the sting of the loss. And yet I found myself pulling for Canada.

The baseball matchup, played in March, pitted the USA against Venezuela in the final of the World Baseball Classic. Venezuela pulled off the upset against a star-studded American team in a 3-2 nailbiter after Venezuela scored the go-ahead run in the top of the 9^th. I found myself pulling for Venezuela, which I blogged about previously.

Again, in normal times I would have pulled for the USA in both matchups. But not this year, in this country, at this particular moment in time.

If I’m being honest, it wasn’t that hard to root against the U.S. ice hockey and baseball teams. Both rosters are loaded with MAGA-adjacent white boys who fully embrace our asshole president and his fake-tough guy, fake-America-first persona.  

That’s not the only reason, though. I also developed a soft spot for Canada and Venezuela, both of which have either been insulted or invaded by our asshole president. He keeps barking about turning Canada into the 51^st state, and sent military troops into Venezuela to kidnap and arrest its president, but mainly to take over its vast oil reserves.

It really sucked that the U.S. men’s hockey team won. And it was really awesome that the U.S. baseball team lost.

The fact that I even wrote the above sentences goes a long way toward explaining why I and so many other Americans detest our asshole president. He is so warped and toxic that we oppose everything he supports, and support everything he opposes. He is such a horrible person that he has made us go against our own instincts when it comes to which teams we pull for.

Fucking prick.

*****

I was pulling for the USA side in the World Cup. Really, I was.

I cheered them on with a passion during the Group Stage, when they won two of three matches to advance to the single-elimination knockout phase. Once there, I cheered them on in their Round of 32 win over Bosnia-Herzegovina.

I’m not a huge soccer (aka futbol) fanatic. But I do tune into the big international events, and have always pulled for the USA. They’re usually the underdog in futbol (aka soccer). Or at least the men are. The women are usually favored – but I pull for them, too. I especially pull for them because they have no love for our asshole president, and he has no love for them.

Unlike the USA hockey and baseball teams, the men’s soccer (aka futbot) team is not dominated by MAGA-loving white boys. It’s a much more ethnically diverse group.

Of the 11 U.S. starters in their Round of 16 World Cup match, eight were non-Caucasian. Most have international experience, meaning their view of the world stretches well beyond the U.S. borders. I’m guessing that they’re not huge fans of our racist, xenophobic, asshole president. Just a guess.

So, I really, really wanted the USA to beat Belgium in the Round of 16 and reach the quarterfinal stage for only the second time ever.

Or at least I did, until a couple of days ago.

That’s when our asshole president put his special imprint on the proceedings, thus ruining things for just about everyone.

If you haven’t heard about it, you can read the full version here. The short version is that our asshole president publicly denounced a red card given to a star American player against Bosnia-Herzegovina. The red card meant the player would have to sit out the next match against Belgium.

But our asshole president – who probably knows less than nothing about soccer – reportedly called a FIFA official to complain about the red card. Incredibly, it had an impact. Thanks to FIFA and its sleazebag president, Gianni Infantino, the red card was suspended and the U.S. player was allowed to compete against Belgium, therefore setting off an international furor.

Now, I don’t know much about soccer (aka futbol), being an American male over 50. I couldn’t tell you what constitutes a red card, or even what makes a player offsides.

But I do know that when the ref makes the call, and confirms the call during the match, it’s supposed to end then and there. It’s not supposed to be overturned after the fact by a corrupt sports organization at the urging of a corrupt, asshole U.S. president.

Here’s all you need to know about FIFA: It created the “FIFA Peace Prize” last year with the sole purpose of awarding it to our asshole president, for reasons that likely had everything to do with money and nothing to do with peace.

Presumably, FIFA wanted to soothe our asshole president’s poor little hurt feelings after he was passed over for the Nobel Peace Prize he spent months lobbying for, but for which he has zero qualifications.

In any case….

The Americans got their asses kicked by Belgium. The final score was 4-1, but that doesn’t even tell you how lopsided the match was. The Belgian side pretty much dominated the action whenever they had a mind to. Whenever the USA got an ounce of joy, it was immediately countered by a ton of pain.

While the Belgian players looked focused (and more than a little angry), the American lads looked lost and confused. It was their worst match of the tournament, by far. I felt bad for them. It’s not their fault they became the villains in this sordid affair. They’re just athletes out there competing.

But I didn’t pull for them. For me, it was Belgium all the way, baby. No team deserves to win when it gets an unfair boost from a corrupt governing body at the urging of a corrupt asshole U.S. president.

*****

While we’re on the subject, here’s one more tasty nugget from the game.

The player whose red card was suspended is Folarin Balogun, a very good Ligue 1 player for Monaco who seems like a nice enough guy.

Funny thing about Balogun, though. He was born in New York City in 2001 while his British parents were on holiday from London. Because his mom was too pregnant to make the return flight, she had the baby in the U.S. They returned to London a couple months later, where Folarin has lived ever since.

But he has U.S. birthright citizenship, which is why he could play for the USA.

Ironically, the asshole president who might have helped Folarin Balogun get his red card overturned is doing everything in his power to end birthright citizenship. Our asshole president and his asshole lackeys hate birthright citizenship – especially when it’s granted to non-white people. Like Folarin Balogun.

But they like Folarin well enough when he’s a star USA soccer player.

Ain’t that a kick, though?

Image: Distraught USA soccer (aka futbol) fans, courtesy of the World Wide Web.